I know I haven’t been around much, but I think about you all the time.

I could be saying that to so many people, it seems. But right now, I’m taking the time to say it to you.

There have been so many wind-ups. Post ideas about being a working mom, what I’ve been reading, my Fridays in the coffee shop, creating and attempting to maintain order in my life. And we both know that none of that has made it here. No pitches have been thrown.

But lately, it’s become harder to talk about myself or what I’m thinking about. I’m thrown back to being a kid again. When I just couldn’t seem to fit in anywhere and it felt like I was getting lost in translation. I didn’t think anyone could ever understand me.

It’s different now. I’m older, with better informed expectations of the people around me. I have a husband who is preposterously well suited to me. I have an adorable son who has no choice but to see me as a normal to measure everything against. I have thoughtful friends and colleagues who help to reassure me that I am not losing my mind and neither is everyone else. I read plenty of opinion pieces from people who feel many of the things I do.

But it’s still hard. I’m not much of a people person. It’s always been a strain to spend time with anyone other than a select few individuals. I do okay. I’m a chatty, pleasant person, with opinions for miles. Nevertheless, I’d almost always rather be on my own.

The events of the last 18+ months have forced me out of my highly curated safe place. The place I’ve spent my whole life working toward. And I use the word “forced” very intentionally. I do not feel like I have the choice not to take action, and instead stay home and silent. So I have stretched myself. I helped start a community organization. I volunteer for direct actions. I talk to the politicians who have been elected to represent me.

And it’s taken its toll. It’s harder to get out of bed in the morning. It takes more work to leave the house. I’m slower to respond to emails. I don’t text as often (or at all, in many cases). I am at war with myself: trying to disappear even as I am more out in the world.

So please…bear with me. This is new and difficult for me. I’ll be here as I can be, but this silence/absence may be the price (for now) of working to better the world around me. Know that I still love you and that I am around.