November Goals Update

Post to the blog at least twice a week

—>After a bit of a break to get used to the baby, I think this has been going well. This is all due to husband-enforced coffee shop time. About which I will say more at a later time.

More music: listen to more music generally, try out at least one new artist every month

—>Listening to music has taken a bit of a backseat as I struggle to get into a routine.

Knit more, at least 20 minutes a week

—>Does knitting once for maybe five minutes count?

Bake more, at least twice a month

—>Back to making zucchini muffins. Nothing else, really.

Exercise every day, at least a little

—>This is on something of a pause while I wait the doctor mandated six weeks to heal. I’ve been doing half sun salutations and some low impact abdominal exercises semi-regularly in the meantime. And working in a walk here and there, as weather permits.

Take better care of my skin: take off makeup regularly; mask at least once a week

—>This is a bit of a mess. I’m mostly just a huge slob these days. Living life in 1-3 hour chunks makes personal grooming a bit challenging, but I’ve managed to be ok at taking off my makeup and have even squeezed in a mask or two.

Take better care of my body: drink more water and eat more produce

—>I’m doing ok with this. Thanks to my mom being around to handle the grocery shopping and cooking. It will be a huge bummer when she goes and I’m left to my own resources again.

Keep in better contact with people, regular emails and phone calls sort of thing

—>Being home with the baby most of the time, I’m going a bit stir crazy. Which means that I’m making more of an effort to invite people over and keep up communications. Sort of. It’s also just as easy (maybe easier) to find reaching out daunting and put it off as a result.

Read more, at least two books a month

—>

Books read:

Keep home tidy every day

—>Not even going to dignify this with a response.

More reflection/journalling

—>It probably won’t come as a surprise that living life between feedings doesn’t allow for a lot of reflection.

Get and stay organized

—>Pfft

Set schedules/routines and stick to them

—>This is a huge joke at this point. I have a baby. He sets the schedule. And is still on the fickle side at this point. As much as I’d love a routine, I know that I have to wait.

Daily Gratitudes

Seeing as it’s Thanksgiving, it seems fitting to talk about an idea my husband and I came up with to share with our kid(s).

It came up when we were at the cabin we’d been going to every year to celebrate my birthday. Bundled up in snow gear, sitting among fallen trees, looking at a cold lake.

2014-12-26 09.17.19

We both like the idea of daily rituals, like prayers, but didn’t want to do anything religious. Coming from our differing backgrounds and wanting to raise our kids in an environment of spiritual openness and curiosity, it didn’t seem quite the right thing. One of the values we want to make sure we pass on is gratitude. Life is wonderful and hard won, and we want our children to appreciate what they have.

So we came up with the idea of Daily Gratitudes. Each night as part of their bedtime routine, the kids would sit with us and list things they were grateful for. This would be a useful reminder of the good in each day and, hopefully, keep them positive and grounded.

Obviously, Abhimanyu is only three weeks old and we have some time before this will come into play. But it’s on my mind now that it’s a real thing and not just a nice idea.

My Baby Is Magic

And I’m not talking the usual bullshit here. I don’t mean that his eyes sparkle when he looks at me or that he got an apgar score (9!) I want to brag about to anyone who’ll listen or that he latches onto my breasts like an old pro or that everyone comments on how cute he is. (Sorry (not sorry), but I couldn’t not sneak a few of those things in.)

No, I’m talking magic here. The real deal:

It was starting to get cold and, being enormously pregnant, I didn’t fit into any of my warm layers or winter coats, so I asked Abhi (then known as Danger) to either come before the real cold set in or keep it warm for longer. He provided on both accounts. We got a warm spell, and he was a week early.
Like I said, he was a week early, and I had scheduled my personal care appointments for the last minute, basically. But since I had all of Monday and Tuesday before my water full on broke, I got a chance to take care of my nails and my eyebrows before we had to go to the hospital. If I had known how much time I actually had, I would have even been able to squeeze in a hair appointment. What an obliging guy!
My mother had also cut it a bit fine in booking her flight from India. And I went into labor a couple days before she would board her flight. She and my dad sat in suspense, waiting for updates from my husband. Thankfully, Abhi made sure to come into the world before my mom was in the air. She could fly knowing that both of us were doing ok.

So yeah. We got a good one, I’d say.

October Goals Update

***This was written before the birth of my son with minimal edits and no updates for context or the passage of time. I hope you’ll pardon any confusion from its tardiness.***

Post to the blog at least twice a week

—>Seeing as this is the last full month of “freedom” I’ll have in a while, I figured I’d go “out” with a bang and be as good about posting as I possibly could. I think I did all right.

More music: listen to more music generally, try out at least one new artist every month

—>Artists discovered:

Dark Dark Dark (I know it’s an old album, but it’s new to me!)
Lucius
Patrick Watson

Artists remembered (which sounds morbid, I realize, but I wanted a way to acknowledge things I listened to again after forgetting how much I like them):

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah (I don’t even know what to say about the fact that it’s the 10th anniversary of that album…)
Pretty Lights

Knit more, at least 20 minutes a week

—>

Bake more, at least twice a month

—>

Do more signature things, for parties and holidays and birthdays and so forth; more thoughtful gestures

—>I should come up with some kind of deprecation policy. This goal would definitely be struck from the list.

Go exploring more, at least twice a month

—>See above. “Deprecated”

Exercise every day, at least a little

—>Still yoga-ing and ballet-ing as energy and schedule permits. Also doing the “three sisters” from Spinning Babies several times a week at minimum.

Take better care of my skin: take off makeup regularly; mask at least once a week

—>I think I’m doing better at this. And I’ve also been on a bit of a mask kick. Since I’m pretty sure makeup will go by the wayside for a while, I’m trying to get my skin in the best possible shape before I won’t have a chance to do anything about it. So the second half of this month took a very all-masks-all-the-time turn.

Take better care of my body: drink more water and eat more produce

—>Keeping the water consumption up as much as heartburn will allow. Produce has taken something of a hit as we go into fall and berries aren’t quite so readily and cheaply available.

Keep in better contact with people, regular emails and phone calls sort of thing

—>Came up with the idea of the Friendsheet. It’s still in its fledging stages, but the basic idea is that it’s a spreadsheet to keep track of the time and nature of the most recent contact with friends. That way, I can see just how long it’s been since I called so-and-so or had dinner with blah-de-blah. The timing of this might be more of a joke than anything, but I think it’s a good idea and when things settle down post baby, it seems like a good way to manage this sort of thing.

Read more, at least two books a month

—>

Books read:

The Ocean at the End of the Lane
Your Baby Is Speaking to You
What to Expect When You’re Expecting (which, to be fair, I’ve been reading in chunks since the beginning of my pregnancy)

Books started:

Keep home tidy every day

—>

More reflection/journalling

—>

Look for and keep track of sources of inspiration, big and small

—>Again. Deprecated.

Get and stay organized

—>For once, I feel pretty good about this.

Set schedules/routines and stick to them

—>The time chunking I came up with last time has been working pretty well. I don’t necessarily follow it exactly, but it’s been a useful guide for structuring my days.

It Was a Rough Week

But he’s finally at home with us. Where he belongs.

I started leaking amniotic fluid on Monday. I started getting contractions on Tuesday. I went into labor early Wednesday morning. My baby was born on Thursday and taken to the NICU. On Friday, we learned that he would have to stay on antibiotics until Monday while I was being discharged on Saturday. We had our first night together on Saturday in the pediatrics unit. We decided to supplement with formula in the wee hours of Sunday. We finally got to come home on Monday.

Phew!

In the end, it happened nothing like I’d expected or hoped. But it was the birth that my son needed. And I felt good about every deviation from the plan: getting an epidural, augmenting with pitocin. When I look back, the part that I would change (if I could) was having to wait as long as we did to be with Abhimanyu.

Despite Abhi’s having an Apgar score of 9, they whisked him off to the NICU because he was grunting while he cried. It was likely that there was amniotic fluid in his lungs. They would hook him up to oxygen until his breathing cleared up. It would be anywhere from two to 24 hours before I saw him again. So they’d put him on an IV of sugar water and keep him under a heat lamp. They’d wean him off each thing as appropriate.

I was devastated. Cried the entire way from Labor & Delivery to Mother-Baby. And so, it was a revelation when we received a call from the NICU saying that we could come by and breastfeed. That became the new routine: going to NICU every three hours, scrubbing in, feeding Abhi, getting some skin-to-skin contact. He had been put on precautionary antibiotics for the two days we’d be in the hospital to make sure any potential infection from my water breaking didn’t get passed to him. One of his test results came back higher than the doctor liked, so they extended the treatment to Monday. Which meant two extra days and nights in the hospital for him. Another hit. And in the meantime, as we were in the process of weaning him off the sugar water and exclusively breastfeeding, his blood glucose levels weren’t high enough. Which would extend his stay in the hospital indefinitely.

Thankfully, there was an available room in pediatrics where my husband and I could stay with Abhi as long as he needed to stay. So we got our first full night together on Saturday after I was discharged from Mother-Baby. That was a rough night. In part because babies are hard, but mostly because for all our good intentions and my earnest efforts at breastfeeding, his glucose was persisting at a level too low for the pediatrician’s liking. We were at our wits’ end and decided to supplement with formula. From that point forward, the numbers rose dramatically and we were granted permission (is that the right way of putting it?) to take him home with us on Monday.

So, yeah. Emotional roller coaster. To say the least.

All things considered, it all went down as well as it could have. I’ll leave aside my rant about pregnancy and medicine for another time. Suffice it to say that the medical staff at Advocate Illinois Masonic Medical Center was wonderful. Each of the many nurses and residents we had in Labor & Delivery was supportive and kind. I really felt in good hands. Everyone in Mother-Baby and the NICU was encouraging. It felt like the nurses and lactation consultants were personally invested in our well being. It was the same in Pediatrics. My husband and I made it a point to express our gratitude with thank you cards and donuts for each unit.

It could have been so much worse. Throughout the saga, Abhimanyu was hale and healthy. It was hard to see him in the NICU, certainly. But he was surrounded by infants in far worse condition: several months premature, in need of serious medical attention. Their families not only knew the pain of separation but had added worry over their children’s conditions. Many of them had been visiting regularly for so long that they were more than familiar with all the nurses and doctors. At some point during my stay in Mother-Baby, a social worker came by to tell me about the resources for postpartum depression and to give me a blanket for my baby. At first, I thought this was standard for the hospital. But when I read the attached tag explaining that it was from Camden’s Comfort, I lost it. I felt almost spoiled that our little one was perfectly fine and would be going home with us in a matter of days.

So this Thanksgiving I know very clearly what I am thankful for: my precious baby boy and the fact that he is well and home with us. And my thoughts will be with those who will be spending the holiday apart from their loved ones and for those who will be spending it at a hospital bedside.

A “Dune Buggy” Babymoon

I’m not really one to subscribe to things like “push presents” or babymoons. That sort of thing feels very cutesy and self indulgent. I certainly don’t think that having a baby means ending my life and slaving away for the next 18 years (I mean, seriously, you can put the child to work at 4 or so, and they’re basically independent by 8). That seems like a horrible attitude. Both because it’s a perfect way to start your child’s life with resentment and jealousy and because it’s free license to give up.

I know that I don’t have my child yet and I don’t know how hard things will/can be. But things are always hard, and it always takes effort to live the life you want. Why should being a parent change that? My husband and I are determined to keep doing the things we enjoy doing now like traveling and eating out at restaurants and taking full advantage of the city we live in. In fact, it’s important to us to pass that appreciation on to our kid(s).

Nevertheless, I’m realistic (when I have to be). And I know that it’s not going to be the two of us anymore in just a little while. Even before the baby comes (hopefully), my mother will be coming to stay with us. Things have been hectic, to say the least, over the last few months, and we wanted a bit of a break before we go into full baby mode. We’ve been terribly lax this year at doing our bimonthly weekend away, and this seemed like our last chance for a while to do it. At the very least, it seems fair to expect it to be a while before we feel comfortable leaving the little one for an entire weekend.

So we headed to the Indiana Dunes. Something quiet and not too far away (in case, anyone was in a hurry). It was lovely. The little inn we were staying at was cute and cozy, and the dunes themselves provided just the right amount of seclusion and activity.

We hiked Trail 9 at the Indiana Dunes State Park, which turned out to be perfect. Great views and a hike that was plenty of exercise for me but not so much that I crashed somewhere and had to be rescued.

It was really cool to see the usual midwestern trees…in sand! Next to a lake. The gorgeous fall colors and weather didn’t hurt either. It’s definitely worth checking out, if for no other reason, that the mind-blowing-ness of natural juxtaposition.

The Baby Shower

This past weekend, my mother-in-law was kind enough to throw us a baby shower. Key family members helped and put together a really great event. It was a really clear reminder of how great our community of family and friends is.

The decor was painstaking and adorable (it’s an under the sea theme).

The generosity was overwhelming.

And, most importantly, it was an all around good time.

Complaining Is a Muscle

I came up with the idea for this post way back at the beginning of the year. And had I written it then, it would read very differently. The premise wouldn’t really have changed: complaining is like any other muscle, if you don’t exercise it, it grows weak. But back then, I was pretty good about not complaining. About appreciating the good things in my life and leaving it at that. I was going to talk about how after a bit of initial effort (since habits are hard to break), it’s pretty easy to neglect that particular muscle. And, obviously, this makes being generally happy a lot easier.

Pregnancy has changed that a bit. I don’t disagree with any of those points. But I complain ALL THE TIME now. I try not to. Which really just means that most people don’t hear about it and my husband never gets a break. My intentions are good. I still have all the things in the world to be grateful for and appreciative of and, in many ways, expecting a baby has put many of those things in the spotlight.

I have a wonderful, loving, supportive husband
I have a wonderful, loving, supportive immediate and extended family
I am in good health
I am financially stable and comfortable
I live in a city I love
My pregnancy has been healthy and moved along smoothly
My job is relatively low stress (these days) and flexible about my part time status and needing maternity leave

So yeah…plenty of good things (and I, obviously, didn’t include all of them). But it’s definitely hard to focus on those things with an irksome, persistent pain in my middle to upper back on the left side. My wonderful, loving, supportive husband can only do so much to help me get to sleep with a myriad of physical discomforts keeping me up when I have a hard time shutting off in the best of times. Delicious food only goes so far when eating is immediately followed by heartburn. The endorphins from exercise have a mitigated effect when my baby is pushing down on my pelvis with grimace-inducing force.

But I refuse to let pregnancy get the better of me. Complaining is a muscle. And it’s my choice whether or not to exercise it. Letting that particular one atrophy is clearly a good idea. And it feels like now, more than ever, is a great time to remember that and act on it. In just a few more weeks, everything will change in ways I can’t appreciate until the baby is actually born and in our lives. And that will bring a new world of joys and frustrations. The weaker my complaining muscle is, the better able I’ll be to delight in my new life as a mother.

Organizational Update

I feel so much better now.

I wouldn’t go so far as to say I feel that everything is organized as I’d like. But it’s SO MUCH closer.

My clothes are no longer an eyesore.

My jewelry looks nice and is a lot more accessible.

Overall, I’m quite happy with it. The apartment is a far less cluttered and stress-inducing place. After a good and proper tidy, I think Danger is going to like it here.

It’s October: Time to Panic

Holy shit. One month left. ONE. FREAKING. MONTH.

Yes, I know there is (potentially) still a lot of time left. But I can’t help myself. I’m freaking out. We’re probably as prepared as we can possibly be. But it feels like we’re totally unprepared. Sure we have a changing table/dresser. But we have no diapers or clothes (not more than a few outfits, anyway). Which is intentional. We’re getting a cloth diaper service and don’t want to stock up on things before the upcoming baby shower. But still. If the baby were to be in a rush and come now, what would it wear???

The house is still a mess.

I only have one (mostly) of two booties completed.

I still have all the books left to read, though the finished pile is growing.

But the reality is that there really isn’t anything to do. I could wash all the blankets we already have, I suppose. Then what? I could arrange the nursery (sort of). But we have guests coming before the baby will ever use that room. And we’re actually making a ton of progress. Things are a lot more orderly than they have been recently. And we have a plan for the rest of the work.

It’s panic for the sake of panic, really. And admitting that I have a problem is the first step, right?

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