It’s been a busy couple weeks. I’ve been going into the office to do some training. Nate’s mom was up last week to help take care of Abhimanyu. On Friday, Abhimanyu went back with her and he’s spending this week in Indiana having adventures with his grandparents. It’s a huge help. Nate and I had a weekend more like back when we were kids as opposed to now that we have a kid.

But I find myself feeling…off. As if there’s no point to anything. I’m going through the motions of life with no real conviction. I realize that sounds melodramatic. And I want to make it clear that I’m fine and I know that things are ok and that my son is in wonderful hands. But it’s also an accurate way of describing how I feel: unfocused, unmoored, adrift. The guiding force of my life is too far for me to feel his presence.

There is no way I would have realized how big a part of my identity and sense of self Abhimanyu has become. In fact, until very recently, I’ve been struggling with feeling trapped by my role as stay at home parent (more on that coming soonish…don’t want to make any promises). There’s more to me than chatting with a 15-month-old and juggling logistics and managing a household, damn it! Mine is a life of the mind, etc. And yet, here I am, with the freedom to come and go as please, to spend my time however I would like (with the usual constraints of living the life of a human in the world)…and feeling as if it all means a lot less because a cheerful, easy-going, letter-obsessed toddler isn’t somewhere I can get my hands on.

And it’s not as simple as not knowing what I have until it’s gone. I know Abhimanyu is spectacular. I could not have custom ordered a better kid. And it’s not that absence has made my heart grow fonder. Again, I wonder that I don’t die everyday with how full-to-bursting my heart is with love for Abhimanyu. It’s more of a shift in the world order. Everything is the same, but my identity is compromised. It’s an existential crisis on the order of losing a job and having to change careers (and, therefore, to some extent, change identities). The fact that it’s temporary seems to make no difference on the impact.

Apparently, the point of my life changed…and I’m just now realizing it.