It feels like just yesterday that I was staring at a pregnancy test in disbelief and reacting with hysterical laughter. It’s funny how it’s become a sort of matter of course since then. There was no panic, no freak out, no overwhelming emotional response. It was a little bit like moving or something, where, on some level, you know it’s a big deal and you’ll feel sad leaving a place that’s been your home. But in the meantime, you just get to packing and hiring movers.

I started feeling “flutters” about a month ago (or “the quickening” as it’s hilariously also known). Which basically felt like someone inside of me was farting really hard. It took a couple days before I was confident that I wasn’t imagining the odd, repeated sensations. In the weeks since then, the flutters have developed into full on kicks and punches. My husband can’t always feel them (which blows my mind as I find them incredibly distracting), but they seem to happen every time I sit, lie down, or eat something. Very active baby!

Something has definitely shifted. It’s become more real. I’m sure being constantly aware that something very much not me is moving inside of my body helps with that. But we’re also starting to make real plans. Scheduling meetings with doulas. Working out the timing of the baby shower and other pre-baby events. Collecting hand-me-downs from friends.

We had our anatomy scan a couple weeks ago. And the first thing we saw was our baby’s spine. And it was glorious. I tell you I’ve never seen such a beautiful spine. And arms and legs and fingers and toes and a clearly beating heart to go with. It was a totally different experience than the first ultrasound. That one felt abstract, removed. I didn’t quite believe that it was real, that it wasn’t some kind of piped in feed. This one…I felt like I was looking at our baby. And every time the little thing kicks (or punches or any number of other sensations), I am delighted.

I can’t say that I’m enjoying pregnancy any more for it. Yes, the second trimester is worlds better than the first. But the best case scenario is that I feel like I’m not pregnant. Otherwise, I just feel like I’m growing and in the way of myself. I’m not complaining by any means, but I stand by my earlier assessment that I do not love (or maybe even like) being pregnant. I’m finding that during pregnancy, I don’t really feel like myself. Now that the physical symptoms are gone, I’m missing my body. If it’s not one thing, it’s another, eh?

But I do really love my baby. Which I admit here, without qualms, even though it sounds cheesy and ridiculous. I can’t help myself. Blame the hormones.